Saturday

I am at Cutters Point Coffee right now, I just had to get out of my house. I have been filling out job apps for a while and I just finished. I can't decide whether I am gonna go home or stay here and study for math. I don't really want to be at home, especially since I would be alone... but I don't really want to be alone here either. Nathan said he would be able to talk later tonight... meaning this afternoon for me, so hopefully that actually happens, but I just hate the feeling I have while I am waiting to talk to him. The people behind me are having a bible study and I have been listening to them. Sometimes I wish I was a religious person... I think it would be nice to have something to look up to that could help me make sense of my life right now. I believe in God and all, and sometimes I pray for help or relief... but I don't have a deep understanding of God and the Bible and all that. And I wonder if I did, if right now I would have some kind of outlet, if I would be more positive ya know. I need some help finding some inner peace so that I can be happy. I think I already told you this, but I am going to start going to yoga with one of my roommates. It is 2 days a week, and they do meditation as well as yoga. I think that it will be really good for my body, mind, and spirit. Someone told me that when I feel sad, that I need to do something for either my body, my mind, or my spirit... and this will do it all I think. My mind is always racing, and my heart is always beating so fast so I am hoping this will calm to down. I am like a hummingbird... my heart beats so fast all the time.... I am afraid it is going to shorten my life span. We will see. I have decided that I really need to take some action on getting myself better, and in a more positive state of mind. I am going to put all of my angry and sad energy into school. And I think that if I think positive and work hard and imagine myself being successful this semester then I may be able to get through it. And I am praying that I get a job. Feeling productive, and important can really change me. If I feel unimportant, or like I am not doing anything, then I feel really bad myself, which in turn makes me feel bad about my life. But if I feel like I am doing something, I am productive, important, needed, then I feel better about myself. I have a very complex mind. It never stops. I guess I get that from my Dad. His wheels are always turning.... and so are mine. That's why I never sleep. There is too much going on inside my head. Anyways, I guess that is enough for now. XOXO.